The BO Secretary Has BO

This is a true account of one (and sadly, somewhat typical) morning in my life.

Background knowledge: When you work for the Federal Government, you have to be prepared to use an acronym for any term or title which encompasses more than one word. Sometimes this makes little sense as the acronym is occasionally harder to say than the full term. Sometimes it can end up being a little humorous or even risqué. Recently the VA Medical Center, where I work, had the need to backfill the Business Office Secretary position. Being a government job, the position is commonly known as the BO secretary.

7:31:00 AM – Try to balance piece of toast (breakfast) on top of car keys, bag and coat

7:31:10 AM – Kiss wife goodbye as daughter no. #2 has conniption about daughter no. #1 moving at snail's pace

7:31:20 AM – Discover that car windows have frosted over during the night – can't find scraper

7:31:25 AM – Scrape window with toast. Hey, it's warm; but not for long

7:31:30 AM – Listen to daughter no. #2 complain that she is going to be late

7:31:35 AM – Listen to daughters bicker over leaving late

7:31:36 AM – Wonder why God caused there to be a "teenage period" between cute and adult

7:31:45 AM – Roll down both windows and use wiper fluid to cut through frost for visibility

7:32:00 AM – Pray that nobody is coming fast when we back out onto the road

7:33:00 AM – Pull out onto W. 38^th St. – AKA "aggressive driving zone."

7:33:03 AM – Car stutters and starts to shake

7:33:05 AM – Turn into assisted living home parking lot

7:33:10 AM – Listen to misfiring and pinging of engine

7:33:15 AM – Figure out the vehicle is out of gas

7:33:20 AM – Sure realization that gas station is too far to make it

7:33:23 AM – Sure realization that to stall out on 38^th St is to invite abuse and scorn from fellow travelers

7:33:25 AM – Recollect that there is a gas can in the garage with about a gallon of gas in it.
7:33:26 AM – Recollect that oldest son is not home and has the second car
7:33:27 AM – Vehicle is popping and gasping for petro

7:33:28 AM – Frantic wish to make it as close to home as possible before inevitable

7:33:30 AM – Cross 38^th street into church parking lot
7:33:33 AM – Vehicle dies completely

7:33:40 AM – Start recriminating comments towards teenage daughters who went out in the vehicle the previous night

7:34:25 AM – Point out that they put no fuel in car even though it read less than 1/8 of tank when they took the car
7:34:30 AM – Tell girls that they can either stay in the car until I get back or walk to school
7:34:30½ AM – They opt to stay with the car.  Why walk?
7:35:00 AM – Start to walk down Colonial to house
7:36:00 AM – School Bus blows black smoke at me as it passes

7:40:00 AM – Starting to break a sweat.  Should have left heavy winter coat in car

7:45:00 AM – How far is half a mile anyway?  
7:45:15 AM – Go through front door
7:45:20 AM – In one of life's small miracles, I actually find the gas can and yes, there is gas in it
7:45:45 AM – Start back for car
7:45:50 AM – Catch glances of every driver checking out my gas can trot.  Nobody stops to offer ride
7:45:50 AM – This walk is farther than I thought it was
7:50:00 AM – My legs are starting to feel it, involuntarily start to slow down
7:55:00 AM – One block to go.  Can I just sit here for a minute?
7:56:00 AM – Turn corner and see van rocking back and forth.  Bass sounds trumping out of vehicle

7:57:00 AM – Pour gasoline into gas tank very slowly.  I don't need gasoline stinky shoes for work

7:57:30 AM – I'm wet.  I'm wiping sweat out of my eyes while pouring gasoline.  It's a good life
7:58:00 AM – Turn key to start car.  Nothing.  Try again.  Oh great!  Maybe there wasn't enough gas in the can
7:59:00 AM – Start to worry.  The gas station is another mile in the other direction.  Wonder if anybody would miss me if I walked into traffic
7:59:15 AM – The Fates decide have toyed with me long enough.  The car roars to life.  Off we go
8:01:00 AM – Drop girls off at McDowell
8:01:30 AM – Quickly pump $5 at Country Fair

8:03:00 AM – Zoom onto roadway.  Traffic congestion is lighter.  The 8 AMers are already at work

8:04:00 AM – Absent-mindedly pick up toast and take a big bite
8:04:01 AM – Realize mistake – yuck! Gag on a wet, soggy mess
8:04:05 AM – Wonder if rolling down window and spitting out food is polluting?
8:04:30 AM – Man up and swallow hard
8:06:00 AM – Discover that there are two more 15 mph school zones to traverse after 8 AM
8:10:00 AM – Oh boy!
8:15:00 AM – Consider racing around all traffic at Glenwood Park merge.  It would make me hated but I'm ready for a fight
8:15:30 AM – Consider how getting arrested would go over with supervisors

8:16:00 AM – Crawl up hill behind green pickup blowing black smoke at me.  Have sense of Déjà vu

8:20:00 AM – Pull into parking lot, slam into spot and enter building within 60 seconds
8:22:00 AM – Standing in Darlene's office explaining I'm late.  She's totally bewildered
8:23:00 AM – She gives me 59 minute rule.  No need to dock pay, I'm not habitually late
8:23:15 AM – Really glad that this supervisor never talked to my last supervisor
8:25:00 AM – Arrive at work station.  Colleagues are currently not in; Sheryll gone to meeting, Mike to morning standup
8:26:00 AM – What is that smell?  Oh yeah, that's me

9:00:00 AM – Mike comes back.  We shoot breeze.  I tell him I was 20 late.  He waves it off.  That's fine.  No big deal

9:15:00 AM – Darlene comes in with Sheryll.  Darlene tells Sheryll that she gave me 59 minute (more like 20 minute) rule
9:15:15 AM – Sheryll shrugs.  She didn't even know I wasn't here
9:30:00 AM – HR sends out a new All-employee Message. They are reposting the BO Secretary spot
9:31:00 AM – I sniff my shirt.  BO secretary, huh?  I should make quals.  I may even be overqualified
9:33:00 AM – Wonder what I could qualify for if I ate a big bowl of chili?